Dinkaltranen

People should listen to me when I tell them who I am the first time. A pathological liar with a fragmented identity, hell bent on speed running every relationship and friendship into the ground before I can get hurt. It’s abandonment issues, sure, but the part that is most frustrating for everyone else is that I know what I am doing. I am unconsciously being driven to this, and by the time I notice what I’m doing, it is already too late. It feels like I can choose between enjoying relationships with others and being hypervigilant of my behaviour. It’s an answerless decision.

I’ve been drinking every day for a week now. Doubt I’ll stop for a while. Part of me really is in agonizing pain, another part is hoping that I hope I look wrung out enough that people will get the message to stay the fuck away from me. “I am a danger. I am a threat. Do not come near me, because I will hurt you. I swear to God if you come within reaching distance I will kill us both.”

And yet another part hopes that somebody will recognise the pain. A naïve childlike part that still hides in his room and pretends the outside world isn’t real, because if it was, it would destroy him. Because without an identity you really can’t tackle the outside world, the challenges that come with it. You can’t build anything, which means you can’t defend against hardship, and attacks quite literally cut through you, because there is nothing there.

“Please save me.” It says.

But why does this child lack an identity? Another answerless question. If you don’t have an identity, you don’t exist, but it is self-defeating. You cannot be anything. Peur aeternus or however the fuck Jung put it. You cannot die in Wonderland. The price you pay for that is grave. It is your emotion, your potential, everything you could and ever will be, burnt on the pyre of unbeing.

Hey, but you can walk away at any time. You can go and have everything you want. Be everything you want. You just have to hurt to do so. It will be the worst thing you’ve ever experienced, and it will never end. All you have to do is take a step outside knowing that you can never step back in.

Do you accept?

No. Of course you don’t. Even though it is the morally and objectively right thing to do, you, no, I, cannot want. There is no identity. Your identity is others. You do not exist without them. You are a mirror that reflects all the wrong things, because you refuse to be a light. Because you refuse to acknowledge that the light of others is not coming to save you. You refuse to acknowledge that the world owes you nothing.

You are a fool. You have sentenced yourself to endless hell just to remain inside.

Remember, you could have stopped this at any time.