Dinkaltranen

One of the more frequent problems I hear of is discipline, or more loosely, self-regulation. Strange how we all suddenly need amphetamines, an entire generation of what my supervisor would prescribe for as “retrospective ADHD”. There are better written articles on dopamine regulation, and of course, phones are a factor when it comes to not one shotting your ability to feel gratified and productive first thing in the day.

Most of the people I hear from with discipline issues, though, to be fair this is biased given my field, have more astute personality issues. They simply do not know who they are, high in traits of either NPD or BPD. They have some things they want, ideas they like, but they are more like fashion or accessories. They are unable (or rather, unwilling) to go through the steps of sacrifice that comes with those goals. Ultimately, my view of it is that their goals are so abstract that it allows the outline of identity whilst allowing the inner mechanics to be undefined or unstable. As with most people with personality disorders, they are playing a character. They were a daughter, then a student, then whatever they thought their boyfriend would like the most, and then a student again, and somewhere in there neither mummy or daddy took place in their identity formation. In that void they looked to things to represent them, like clothes, putting on a costume of someone else’s idea.

I will give you a secret, dear reader, despite what adverts tell you, you are not what you buy, or the image of yourself they are selling you. What you are buying is the advert. You see this all the time in hobbies. People try to buy the identity of a hobbyist. The father considers himself (or wants to consider himself) a handyman, so he buys a set of expensive electric drills, and he uses them once before it becomes abundantly clear that he lacks the essential knowledge required to effectively use it. It is now a prop. The aspiring artist purchases expensive paints, or, even worse, the aspiring writer tells everyone about their great ideas instead of writing them down, or if they do write them down they are surpassed by a new ‘better’ idea. Maybe the better thing to do would be to stop having ideas altogether? Especially since they clearly aren’t your own, otherwise you would be doing those things instead of trying to be them. You are playing pretend, your identity is showing: it is empty of all but wants.

I want expensive scotch and to see my friends more often. The result is that I text them every few weeks asking if they’re free, usually while drinking the expensive scotch. You can’t have everything, some things are a lot easier than others, and most things that you want to be (key: identity) are things that cannot be slipped on like a costume. Even if they could, it would be rather damning of your character to do so.

“What do you want?” I asked the person. In this case, they’re a 35 year old man. They want to be married with a family. They ‘joke’ they want two wives, personally, I think he should just try one and see if that’s too much – 50% divorce rate tells us most people find out it is. They’re a creative depressive, and have some legitimate talent but it’s largely unhoned despite attending film school. Their days are spent watching anime, browsing twitter, playing retro video games, and cooking. They have an injury from when they were hit riding their motorcycle on the way to work. There’s a moment of pause, and they frown when I don’t entertain their joke. “I don’t know. I’ve never really felt like I wanted anything. I don’t know who I am.”

There’s a very real possibility that our person, who I’ll call Buzzy, wants nothing more in life that continue his daily routine. Each day he beats his reward system with a hammer, and each day like an obedient slave it squeezes out enough chemicals that he doesn’t want to kill himself until late at night, when he’s lying in bed and the growing horror that he might not ever be married with children begins to chew him up.

I for one don’t think 35 is too late. But you are cutting it close, especially if you want children unless your wife is much younger.

Buzzy probably actually does want things. Who Buzzy is is currently a collection of maladaptive, consumptive habits. But until he is able to want things, through deprivation, he probably won’t know what they are. People mistake gratification for satisfaction, and worst of all, meaning. This is what hooks people into masturbation, or porn, or sex addiction. The orgasm is probably the most ‘meaningful’ sensation we can physically have, but any sex addict will tell you that their life is just as miserable and directionless (unless down is a direction) as Buzzy here. The only thing that can generate meaning, or make us feel ‘satisfied’, or perhaps existentially sated, is doing things. I mean really doing them, not pretending to do them.

Don’t call yourself an artist if you’re not an artist, don’t say you’re an alcoholic if you’re not.

“I’m a foodie.” No, you watch cooking recipes on Youtube, it’s entertainment, not learning, and you don’t even put into practice what you learn.

Here is my task for you today, dear reader. Do something that is towards “what you want to be” today, that you weren’t required to do due to some other obligation, and don’t tell anyone about it. Don’t post about it. Don’t let anyone see. Read a hard book for an hour, practise a skill. This is also a good way to tell whether if you actually care about being that thing, or if you care about being seen as a person who does that thing. You will find out if you are wearing clothes.

My advice to Buzzy was that any time he did something, that he intellectually understood as something he wasn’t happy with, that he said “This is not who I am.” and when it came to doing productive, positive things, he reminded himself that this is who he is.

• He is not the kind of person who masturbates to hentai.
• He is the kind of person who lifts throughout the day when he has free time.
• He is not the kind of person who calls people slurs on the internet.
• He is the kind of person who brushes his teeth every day.

These things are true, because they are practised regardless of others observation (I told him, like you, to find some things he identified with to hone that he didn’t tell me). He is no longer pretending to be or not be, he now is.

“Buzzy is...” now has a clear answer, even if it’s currently incomplete.

What you are is your behaviours. If you don’t behave, you might find you aren’t. If your behaviours are a performance, I have very bad news for you…