Dinkaltranen

Man, there are so many great photos I could use for this to make all sort of bad jokes following such a line.

Instead, here: sexual dysfunction. Yes, we’ll be discussing sex again, I just read another book on it and even though its contents were 90% batshit insane and 5% astrology (doesn’t really narrow it down, does it?), it did remind me of other, better books I read on sexual and romantic functions.

Thesis: you shouldn’t expect or seek for your sexual fantasies to be fulfilled in a relationship.

Yes, you shouldn’t expect your DDLG or MDLB fantasy to be fulfilled. “Ever?” Yes, ever. It’s not necessarily because of moral reasons, or rather moral reasons that have the ring of “these sound like regressive paedophilic fantasies.”, though that is a very good one. It’s because your maternal and paternal drives should be largely directed towards your children.

Of course you don’t want to do the work. Nobody likes to do the work, at least at first. Looking after someone else and their needs is really hard. To desire that you be cared for in such a paternal/maternal way is to deny such care for your hopefully existent children. No matter how much your husband/wife wants it, you should not treat them like a child, you should treat your child like a child. When you limit this behaviour to fantasy, and include a sexual element, it is both a denial and perversion of parenthood. Again, this isn’t just about this fantasy. You should not orient your existence around what you want past a certain point, but what others want. You’re fine to want it, go full steam ahead with that, but to expect it, and to ask others to give you it is very foolish.

People with major sexual dysfunction often suffered at the hands of abusive or otherwise absent (including dead) parents. Whilst their trauma is unresolved and even a long time afterwards, the majority of their fantasies are sadomasochistic and otherwise clinically perverse. Extreme fetish objects, sexuality ranging in an almost manic fashion from hyper to hyposexuality. Feelings of guilt and shame around their fantasies, and at the same time frustration, frustration that their desires are both not met, again, and the upset at wanting such a thing.

Family are a good reason to suffer for, they are one of if not the most important thing in life. Your wife/husband is also a very good reason. Your children are one of the best reasons.

When you get your husband/wife to enact such things with you, you are not doing anything more than traumatic revisitation. “That implies it’s rape.” Yes, I would say childhood abuse is as developmentally damaging as rape. I think it’s also no mistake that rape is often core of these fantasies. If someone desires you so much they will do terrible things to you regardless of the consequences, in a perverse way, that is a sign that they will not leave you, after all they have ‘sacrificed’ so much to just be with you, and that indicates need. Everyone needs to be needed, and this plays into the caretaking aspect of these fantasies. It just ignores the fact that they sacrificed you in order to get their needs, again, this falls functionally into traumatic revisitation.

Fogfield Report said something that made me think, recently. They suggested the appeal of clown girls and anime characters is not just their identity, but what their appearance signals. Bright colours, exaggerated movements, highly expressive: a child. “Paedophilia?” Swing and a miss, they’re signalling as someone that’s meant to be cared for. It’s the same thing pets trigger, especially cats, and if you’ve seen the explanation, anime characters are drawn to somewhat look like cats even when they aren’t kemonomimi. “If it’s not paedophilia, why are they drawn in such a titillating way?”

We’re packaging things that people like, here, both don’t have to be engaged with simultaneously. What’s this signalling? You can look after this person, and have sex with them. That’s what people used to call a wife. Reductionist sexism aside, it’s just as bad as the other side of this package, with billionaire rapist vampires signalling “I will take care of you and have sex with you.”

Wow, you mean that men and women’s differences are complementary? Quick, tell an evolutionary biologist, they’ll start frothing at the mouth and – oh, wait, that was me who caused that, I put cyanide in their novelty lobster mug.

So, if you’re a man, redirect your desire to be a caretaker to your children, and your desire to have sex to your wife. If you are a woman, direct your desire to be taken care of to your children, to that of giving them what you desire someone would do for you, and try not to live vicariously through that. Redirect your sexual desire to your c- No, wait, that isn’t quite right. Redirect it to your husband.

And eventually, eventually, you will use your practice with this to be the kind of person who others can go to when there is a great tragedy. And you will be reliable, supportive, helpful. It doesn’t mean you aren’t in pain. It means that you’ve decided something matters more than your pain, others, and their wellbeing.

Harden your heart to temptation.